February 23, 2011 § Leave a comment

I have beaten my pets. Someday I’m going to beat my kids. I never beat my girlfriends, but I’ve thought about it. I lie to my friends… I do these passive-aggressive things, like when they ask me to loan them money, I just, I’m just a big weird pain in the ass about it because I don’t have the balls to tell them no.

I intimidate the weak– like, an elderly man honked at me, with a handicapped plate, and I stopped my car and got out and started yelling at him that I would make him more handicapped. I browbeat the stupid; I’m rude to clerks, etc. I cower before the strong, especially the black. Actually, anyone with even a small amount of balls scares the shit out of me.

I pick my nose and eat it. I blow my snot out in the gym shower… although, in my defense, I do make an effort to rinse it down the drain. I make fun of nice, well-meaning people behind their back. I tell people I’m going to call them and that I want to hang out, and I don’t. I tell people that I’m going to read their scripts and I don’t. I tell people that I’m going to help them get an agent and I don’t.

I fart in elevators. I fart freely whenever I’m in a situation with two or more other people. I eat a lot of meat, and so these farts aren’t benign; they smell like– well, all farts smell “like shit,” but these ones smell like there’s an actual piece of shit in the room.

If I’m sick, I’ll make a show of not touching people’s phones and shit until they’re not around, and then I’ll do it freely. I’m very paranoid about catching diseases from other people touching doorknobs and shit but I don’t care if they catch it from me.

I steal girls’ panties from the laundry room and use them to masturbate when I’m on cocaine.

I checked out (REDACTED) porn once and it gave me the biggest woodrow of my life.

Shit… I can’t remember anything else right now, but that should be enough.


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