You People Make Me Sad and Horny

April 29, 2011 § 1 Comment


Most people who find this blog through search engines are looking for rape porn or how to kill yourself.

This seems right, somehow.

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Women of OKCupid:

April 28, 2011 § 1 Comment


Why are you all so god damn fucking boring?

There are about 3 profiles of single women in the greater Los Angeles area that reveal ANYTHING about the person whatsoever.  The rest, you are browsing this shit and you feel like God only made 5 people.

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If you fat chicks

April 26, 2011 § Leave a comment


don’t want to be stereotyped, you should stop sucking such good dick.

My Favorite Rape Porn Is Gone

April 26, 2011 § 1 Comment


It’s not anywhere. My favorite bit of rape porn- one of the few that looks like a real raping, with the right amounts of rape noises and headlocks and tits akimbo to make it seem legit, is gone.

Now I’m left with nonsense rape porn, chicks blowing guys while being ram jammed in the buttonhole, every now and then saying “No. No.”, but in Russian, and even in Russian, with a mouthful of cock it’s just not believable. If I were getting raped for real and my rapist put his dick in my mouth, I’d likely bite it off. Or at least I wouldn’t suck it and go mmmmmhmmm ahhh, ohhhhh, ahhh.

It’s sloppy. The acting is the only thing rape porn has to do right to get me off, because without the acting it’s just porn. And would someone please teach these fuckers how to make realistic looking fake blood? Honestly, this KoolAide red sans cornstarch bullshit isn’t helping me believe that the pussy is being pounded for the first time. It’s way obvious that these Ruskie chicks, even at a possible 16 years of age, are way past their prime.

My guess is that they started in the sex trade at the preposterous age point, back when you would’ve needed to be a sick fucker to want to put your cock in a child, and they have been instructed for the purpose of their latest endeavor to act like they don’t want it. The amusing as fuck part is, they don’t want it anyway. If they were only instructed to act on true instinct and just behave the way the deepest parts of them told them to behave, they’d be struggling and flipping out with more passion than even some uppity New York bitch in an alley after a night of clubbing.

The shit of it is, they’re like little boys who’ve played too much Nintendo or whateverthecrap. These little kids, they hear news about gunfire and the likes and they go “Meh”. Only with these women, instead of gunfire it’s dicks. Dicks in asses, pussies, mouths, multiple dicks. Dicks big, small, stinky, pink, brown, that weird yellow color. Balls that hang, balls that pull up into themselves. These women are so used to cock and balls that they know better than to be terrified. They know that once it goes in and out a few times and they get some shots with the cameras, it’ll be over, so there is no need to freak the fuck out.

So, I guess what I’m saying is, the porn industry needs to rape more fucking Americans. I’m running out of batteries over here.

Remember

April 26, 2011 § Leave a comment


Whenever you jack off, all your dead relatives are watching you.

And they, too, are jacking off.

Dick Extender

April 26, 2011 § 1 Comment


I totally get why women get ridiculously huge breast implants. Because if such a thing existed for your dick I would get one immediately and it would be huge.  A cartoon.  It would be the dick some girls talk about when they are transparently trying to console you about the fact that your dick is not huge, the “you know, I don’t really even like huge dicks.  Sometimes it’s just not even comfortable.” I would get that dick.  Because she would talk about it.  She would say to her girlfriends “you know, Jesus, it’s just too big; I don’t even want to fuck him sometimes because it hurts.”  And the girl she was telling- it’s not like I picture her immediately wanting to fuck me, but maybe she would just want to see it. She would just be curious.

But the best you can do is something like this.  Apparently if you hang those weights off your dick, or whatever this device does- basically this study found that certain kinds of mechanical penis enlargement actually work.  They will extend your flaccid penis by a tiny but non-negligible amount after using the device for six hours per day for like six months.

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The Gays

April 18, 2011 § Leave a comment


Someone stole my underwear at the gym.

It’s a West Hollywood gym, where lots of huge gay muscle studs work out.  So someone stole them to sniff them and jack off, I think.  That was the first place my mind went, after I fruitlessly searched through my fucking bag for them like Tel Aviv airport security going through some  Palestinian college kid’s backpack.  Someone stole my underwear to sniff ‘em and jerk off.

I can feel no moral outrage about this, because  a warehouse full of underwear would have to be stolen from me, sniffed, and jacked off into before the cosmic scales are balanced.  I used to do this same shit all the fucking time. When I did coke, getting down to my last couple bumps, I knew I would be up for several more hours with no drugs left and a crazy desire to beat the meat, and I would go to my building’s laundry room and raid the lost and found shelf.  Nine times out of ten there would be a pair of panties there.  If I was lucky, it would have been one that tumbled out of the laundry basket before even going in the washer and they would still have a good head of cuntmusk on ‘em. This was when I was living on a floor full of aspiring actresses so the odds were good that I would be sniffing the vagina residue of someone hot.

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