Why I Love Douches

May 11, 2011 § Leave a comment

I told a couple people to come to a pool party I’m going to at some Hollywood club. They said no, it would be “douchey.”

This is accurate, but what people need to understand is that douches fuck. Douches dress like douches because there are girls that like to fuck douches, and girls who hang out with douches like to fuck. They don’t like to read David Foster Wallace and discuss vegan restaurants; they like to fuck.

Things like education, high degree of literacy, political engagement, etc. etc., are all negatively correlated with fucking. The worse you were raised, the more you fuck. And a douche is just a working class or poorly-educated nouveau riche person in a large city, who ornaments himself in a way that will be most effective at getting him fucked. He is not preoccupied with obscure records or signing petitions to the Ugandan government or any of the other shit that these liberal arts types will belabor endlessly.

Douche chicks get drunk and fuck. They get hammered and pull their bikini bottoms to the side and let you slip it in rawdog in the pool, provided you have taken care to spend thousands of hours in the gym giving yourself pumpkinseed-shaped deltoids. So these are the people I would rather spend a Saturday with, by a factor of about one million billion, than a bunch of MFA candidate chicks who will not even look at you unless you have a huge enough beard to indicate that you could not possibly be employed and therefore must be in a semi-successful band, or that band’s equipment manager. Some third-tier hanger-on of Sufjan Stevens. However you spell it.

Anyway. Give these douche parties a shot, is all I’m saying.


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