Miranda Catches the Gay

January 25, 2012 § Leave a comment


Cynthia Nixon recently said in the NY Times that she “chose” to be gay, which caused controversy and people freaking out and etc. To all of which Andrew Sullivan responds:

“My own view is that female sexuality is inherently more fluid than male sexuality, and that lesbians and bisexual women, because they are less fixated on crude physical signals for arousal, have more of a choice than men, gay or straight, in their choice of loved ones. I think this is about the difference between lesbian identity and gay male identity. For all the attempt to corral us into one vowel-free liberal conglomerate, I know few communities less alike than lesbians and gay men.”

That is a beautiful and succinct way of putting it.  Let me put it another way: my sexuality is tectonic plates miles thick and thousands of miles broad grinding away beneath the earth’s crust on incomprehensibly powerful tides of magma, grinding and crushing and destroying and building up vast pressures sapped only momentarily by hellfire explosions and earth-shattering quakes that ruin civilizations and crush lives. Your sexuality, womankind, is a toy house made of toothpicks and gumdrops that you can disassemble and restructure on a whim. Your sexuality is as the mustard seed, small and unassuming but capable of flowering into something beautiful, delicate and complex under exactly the right circumstances.  My sexuality is the fucking SUN. « Read the rest of this entry »

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OKCupid: Girls with no pictures part 2: the trollening

January 25, 2012 § Leave a comment


I am being successfully trolled by a fake OKCupid account purporting to be a 21 year old local woman.  I am aware that I am being trolled; that somewhere on my beloved Reddit or 4chan or some other message board a neckbeard in Saskatchewan is eagerly awaiting my showing up at some place with a security camera that he’s hacked into, ready to photoshop my face into foreveralone.jpg.  Or it’s Chris Hansen.  The girl is going to casually drop at some point in the conversation—a 15 email thread by now, which I would never tolerate except this troll is just so god damn motherfucking masterful—she is going to casually drop that she is actually 17 years old but her parents are gone for a long weekend now that Tahoe finally has snow and would I like to come over and bring a nice bottle of wine, her tastes are surprisingly sophisticated for such a young girl… I’m going to go and be told “have a seat” and after tearfully insisting that I was just there to warn her I’ll be told that I’m free to go only to be unceremoniously tackled to the sprinkler-muddy turf by a Whittier police sergeant built like Butterbean.  They won’t have to ask me “if you’re here to warn her, why did you bring condoms?” Because of course I won’t be bringing fucking condoms.  Fucking a 17 year old with a condom would be like looking at the Sistine Chapel through glass security block. « Read the rest of this entry »

OKCupid: Girls with no pictures

January 25, 2012 § 1 Comment


You got two options: she’s either never going to give you the picture, or she’s going to be ugly.  That’s it.  And yet I bite, every single fucking time.  I get a message from a girl who is pixellated out or black bar over the face or simply, you know, an Ansel Adams photograph or some shit and I bite every time.  Because I have to know.

And no matter how many times—it’s either nothing, or ugly, every single fucking time—I still can’t just trust myself and internalize the fucking rule.  I can’t take a second and reason with myself.  Like, anyone who doesn’t list their body type– do you think they have a spectacular fit body?  A guy who doesn’t list his height- do you think he’s dunking on (I cannot name a single defensive NBA player)?  Do you think a dude who doesn’t list his income is hiding Mitt Romney levels of untaxed capital gains in the Caymans and that’s why it’s gotta be a secret?  No.  No.  If someone is not explicit about a piece of information on OKC it is because whatever quality they’re hiding is a liability to the point of freakishness. « Read the rest of this entry »

Guess What? I’m Polyamorous Now!

January 19, 2012 § 1 Comment


There are already great deals on some of the things we'll be needing.

So, because I see you, DT, more than anyone; because I love you, I prefer your company, etc; because of all of that, you’re my “primary”. The fact that I fuck other people makes me poly. I know this, because some poly asshole I fucked once out of boredom just emailed me to tell me so. Even though I said that I wasn’t poly, he claims that I am. He must be right.

Now that I’m poly, what should I do? You said that I need to speak and write sanctimoniously about being poly.

And I’ll need to gain more weight

Maybe become Wiccan

smoke cloves

I’ll need to flirt stupidly and disgustingly in public places with overweight guys with long hair and ring beards, but stop them from tying me up with the hemp rope they keep in their backpacks by telling them that my primary needs to approve first « Read the rest of this entry »

L.A. to Require Condoms in Porn

January 19, 2012 § Leave a comment


http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/lanow/2012/01/la-approves-condom-rule.html

The TL,DR is that the AIDS Healthcare Foundation and other worrywart types have been trying to get condoms mandated in porn for years.  After various failed tactics, they went for a city council ordinance, which covers the San Fernando Valley.  The epicenter of American porn production.  The idea is that no politician anywhere, ever, can vote for being slack on any kind of fucking-related business without having their career incinerated so except for the one brave soul who voted nay, they all had to go along with it.

And now there are going to be surprise inspections where regulators show up to porn sets and look at the dick going in the vagina, or butthole, and make sure there’s a condom on it.  Which for me, only cements my decision to never watch porn made domestically by a major studio again, ever.

« Read the rest of this entry »

To my future son, part 3

January 15, 2012 § Leave a comment


The feeling of being in love with someone who loves you back is literally unattainable.  Because the very fact of being in love with someone makes them not love you. Your choices are:

A) Unrequited love

or

B) Cool apathy that gets you the person you thought you wanted, but because of the apathy necessary to get them, you don’t want them anymore.

That’s it. There is no other option. One party will always have contempt for the other. Your choice is to be the contemptuous or the contemptible. You don’t want either one?  Too bad.  I don’t want Sudanese kids getting kidnapped and enslaved but them’s the fucking breaks. Whatever you feel, that you think will bring you joy, will only work against you. Until you DIE. From BEES.  BEES with AIDS.

Single

January 15, 2012 § Leave a comment


My poor dear friend she calls me, she comes over here, and her face is all smashed up like the way you see in movies, and like the way  you see in movies, I get my macho up and I want to kill him. Whoever did this, whoever, wherever oh, he’s getting killed.

And my poor dear friend, she says, “no,

you don’t get it.

you don’t know.

it isn’t what you think.”

And that part, well, at first I think, that part is just so typical. Poor dear friends everywhere always say that part, but then that part, well, then I think that part is too much like a bad movie, so I start to listen. And she’s telling me about

crazy, stalking, fueled by whatever it is love does to fuck us up, « Read the rest of this entry »

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