Heart Retard

January 1, 2012 § 4 Comments


He said that he knew a friend, a girl, a real tough lesbian with all the tough lesbian things like a motor bike and big dogs and plenty of sleeveless tops. This girl, he said, this girl she was cool in every way a person could be, and there was only one thing she was an idiot over, and that, of course, that was love.

Sometimes I think I’m in love with you, because it’s easiest to think that way. In part I can use it as an excuse when some guy goes silly over me. I can pull the, “But I’m in love with someone else.” and they usually say that they kind of knew that all along. But, also it keeps me from needing that feeling with anyone else, because you and I know how the fuck it goes with me when it comes down to getting excited about anyone else. I’ll call you up and I’ll start listing off all the great shit about some guy, and you’re cool enough to listen, and you’ll tease me a little and then in a few weeks I’m bummed because those fucktards either stopped being great, or they stopped calling. But with you, I can just keep loving you and getting drunk and eating hamburgers whenever I feel like it, and you always tell me I’m good looking.

I’m a heart retard, though. I’ll get solidly into my cool again, and I don’t give a fuck or a damn or two shakes of my head, any eyes that I bat aren’t blinking in shock. I’ll be cruising through it, living dirty and laughing it off. And then I’ll decide I’m hot for some guy, and I turn into a total pain in the ass, questioning how I should be wearing my hair and starving my guts of air until they call me.

I don’t know what I want to say tonight. I’ve been slowly melting into a thing that’s likely wrong, and allowing myself to start with the mushball momentum, and as I feel it start to happen, I like it and I hate it and I like it again. So, that’s why I’m laying here at 9 p.m. on clean sheets just in case he wants to come lay on them, knowing already that he’s not coming, trying to just get back to being cool, and wondering if I’m ever going to stop being a girl about this stuff.

 

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