I Don’t Know What The Fuck Is My Problem, Yo

January 9, 2012 § Leave a comment


Shit. It’s not as if I haven’t been in therapy since I was seven, getting hypnotized, visualizing, bio-feedbacking, cognitively behaviorally therapized, medicated, dialetically retrained, and even electrocuted in my head. It’s not as if I haven’t been talking about shit in “I feel _____ when you ____ because _____.” statements, taking responsibility, taking personal inventory, and taking it one day at a time since I was a tiny fucking kid. So, you’d think that by the time I’m 32 I would have my shit so fucking straight that I’d sit around in a fucking mental lotus position and have a little bit of wisdom and constant personal growth.

Instead last night I stayed awake all night, every bit of me shaking with anxiety, every bit of me obsessively overthinking some guy, and if he likes me back.

Anyway, I also watched some Hulu, and there was this one ad and by the fifteen time I saw it I was screaming at the fucking computer, and my kid eventually was like, “Listen, I have to get up for school. Please stop yelling at the people in the ad.” But, come the fuck on, I said to him, can’t you fucking see how preposterous this is? This lady, she walks into her house and she’s like “Oh, we just had the carpet cleaned.” and the whole floor is just caked in dark brown foot prints with some lazy fat fuckers laying up on her couch eating on some pizza? It’s the level of the dirt mess that got me. Jeezus Crumbs!, I told my kid, look at the fucking mess. If I were that lady walking into my house I would be “What the motherfuck? Did you guys dip your feet into a vat of dog shit? Did you all have diarrhea in the living room then have a ho-down? Shut the fuck up about your cheesy bread sticks, and motherfucking explain to me how the hell you produced this level of disgusting in our living room?”

Anyway. Today is kind of hell since I didn’t sleep, but I am caffineating myself upright, and whenever that guy and if he likes me comes into my mind, I am just going to put him on that couch with those guys from the ad and pretend he got my floors dirty, because 20 plus years of therapy, and I still haven’t figured out how not to get stupid over a penis.

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